All That I Have Ever Known
by wolfwynd
Summary: A letter from Willow - but will it help bring our girls back together?
1. chapter 1

Title: All That I've Ever Known  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Feedback: hell yes! Either on the kitten or to laura_isaac@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to Joss, I just play with them for a bit. The lyrics at the beginning however are all mine   
  
Distribution: Anyone who wants it but let me know so my ego can be massaged!  
  
Spoilers: S6 but not so much ep specific.  
  
Summary: A letter from Willow - but will it help bring our girls back together?  
  
Dedication: To Alice, you are my life - love always   
  
Coz you're all that I see,  
  
You're all that I breathe,  
  
You're all that I need,  
  
And everything I've ever known...  
  
Tara,  
  
I'm trying and failing miserably to live my life on my own and I just can't do it anymore. I need you more and more each day and its hurting me more than I can bare. I'm truly nothing without you by my side, in my life, surrounding me, making me whole. I know I don't deserve you, I'm not asking you to forget everything that I've done to you, I'm just asking for one last chance. The pain inside as I write is clawing, trying to get out, the only things thats keeping me sane is thoughts of you. I've tried to make sense of everything that I've done but how can I possibly make sense of something I didn't understand in the first place? I'd like to say I was a victim in all of this but I cannot make excuses for what I've done anymore.  
  
You are my life Tara, my better self. We've been through so much together and have still come out stronger on the other, although I know this time I've really screwed up. You have to believe me when I say I'm sorry. I'd got through hell, I'd go to the very ends of the Earth, I'd do ANYTHING you asked Tara if it meant I could gain one iota of what I've taken from you.  
  
From the moment I saw you I knew then that there would never be another for me, I would never want anyone else the way I wanted you, the way I still want you. You are all that I see Tara, all that I breathe, all that I need and so much more. The only thing that I've been sure of in my pathetic excuse of a life was you - us and I'd do anything in my power if you would only believe we still have a chance together.  
  
I'm so confused Tara, I don't know why I went to him in the first place, I had all I ever wanted in you. For years I have been nobody, always in Buffy's shadow, just another one of the Scoobies. But I was stupid enough to throw everything that we've accomplished as lovers away in a single second - and for what?  
  
I need you Tara, oh Goddess I really do! My life is empty without you, the magic withdrawals get worse with every passing hour and I'm not sure I want to fight them anymore without you. Please at least give me the chance to restore your faith in me - in us again even if we can never recapture what we once had...  
  
Yours forever and always...  
  
Willow  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
Tara stared at the crumpled piece of paper in her hands for what seemed like ages, and was unaware and unable to stop a single tear falling down upon the paper, causing the ink upon there to run. What should she do? She felt Willow's pain and confusion because it was coursing through her very being also, their connection stronger than ever. She needed Willow more than life itself, but she was not going to just let her walk back into her life as if nothing had ever happened - she couldn't and wouldn't let herself do that - even though her whole being was telling her otherwise. This was going to take time - she could not forgive Willow that easily, but there was still a glimmer if hope in her heart that Willow could change... 


	2. chapter 2

Title: All That I've Ever Known  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Feedback: hell yes! Either on the kitten or to laura_isaac@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to Joss, I just play with them for a bit. The lyrics at the beginning are from "Addicted" by Enrique Iglasias (sp?)  
  
Distribution: Anyone who wants it but let me know so my ego can be massaged!  
  
Spoilers: S6 but not so much ep specific.  
  
Summary: A letter from Willow - but will it help bring our girls back together?  
  
Dedication: To Alice, you are my life - love always   
  
"Maybe I'm addicted, I'm outta control,  
  
But you're the drug that keeps me from dying.  
  
Maybe I'm a liar, but all I really know is,  
  
You're the only reason I'm trying"  
  
Willow lay on her stomach, her eyes screwed up, hands clutching the sheets until her knuckles turned white - trying to keep some kind of grip on reality. Withdrawal attack - one of the worse ones. Shakes rolled in waves over her frail but determined body as she tried to fight the darkness that threatened to consume her fully. Cold turkey - something she didn't think in a million months of Sundays she would ever have to experience. She was always 'Good ol' reliable Willow' - the one who was always good, down-to- earth, walking the straight and narrow. But all this had changed almost overnight and now here she was in the throes of another attack like a common junkie.  
  
Then suddenly as it had begun it ended and Willow lay there, exhausted, drained both mentally and physically, and utterly alone. Tears began falling down her pale cheeks, slowly at first but then as great torrents as she brought her knees up to her chest and curled up into a ball. She couldn't take this anymore. She didn't know how much power she had left in her before she let everything that was inside her catch up and take over. Her only life-line lay in the letter she had managed to write in one of her moments of utter clarity, which were few and far between now days. The times when she felt herself again - when she felt completely invincible.  
  
She didn't even know whether Tara had even gotten it. She had given it to Buffy, but who knew if she had even given it to her, despite Willow's pleading requests. The Scoobies, whilst not being openly hostile towards her, had their suspicions, mistrust and most of all fear - Willow could sense it - the way they acted when they were around her. Civil, that's what it was, they were being civil.  
  
Willow had not left her room, their room, in almost 2 weeks. The magic withdrawals had gotten worse and had left her without the energy, nor motivation to move. She lay there thin, pale and withdrawn. The various Scoobies had brought up food methodically but most lay untouched on the floor and few words were exchanged between the once close-knit family. But she had to keep hope, the one thing she still had left to believe in. Hope that she could somehow win back the trust of her friends and her lover - ex lover - and all would be well again and she would finally know some peace once more.  
  
Having gained some measure of composure back, Willow's thoughts turned to her again. Tara. The only thing that was keeping Willow treading the right side of the thin line between sanity and madness. Thousands of thoughts whizzed around the redheads brain but all centred around the blonde Wiccan who was her lover, best friend and soul mate. All the times they had kissed, made love or just existed in the same space, a part of each other, provided much needed comfort, if only for a short while. She knew that she had hurt Tara badly, that no matter how bad she felt that her lover was feeling 100 times worse. Writing that letter was a way of getting everything down into words, trying to make sense of everything and a prayer to anyone that would listen that they would be together again.  
  
Without warning, Willow felt that all too familiar tension start to build in her stomach, the slight pain in her temples that signalled the beginnings of another attack. Bracing herself, she took several deep breaths and prepared for the inevitable to happen. Jolting forward violently, Willow was aware of something not quite right, something different to what usually happened, something more powerful was coming to the fore. It was as if she had been in the eye of the storm and everything before was nothing in comparison of what was coming next.  
  
Searing pain tore itself through Willow's already weakened body; from head to toe and sweat began to break out on her forehead. Her mind was reeling from the attack as she desperately tried to keep consciousness, to keep her aware of her surroundings, to keep herself focused. Fighting like a woman possessed she took hold of the sheets once more, willing herself to stay awake. Voices screamed inside her head, to give in and let it take over, but the basic human instinct of survival kicked in, her own stubbornness kicked in, as determination etched her features. But at the back of her mind, she knew she was fighting a losing battle, she wasn't going to win this one. A huge groan escaped her lips and she opened her eyes slightly. Emerald green met sky blue...  
  
"Tara" she managed to get out before unconsciousness came rushing towards her... 


	3. chapter 3

Title: All That I've Ever Known  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Feedback: hell yes! Either on the kitten or to laura_isaac@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to Joss, I just play with them for a bit. The lyrics at the beginning are from "Too Lost In You" by the Sugababes (yes, I know but it fitted... )  
  
Distribution: Anyone who wants it but let me know so my ego can be massaged!  
  
Spoilers: S6 but not so much ep specific.  
  
Summary: A letter from Willow - but will it help bring our girls back together?  
  
Dedication: To Alice, you are my life - love always  
  
"Baby, I'm too lost in you  
  
Caught in you  
  
Lost in everything about you  
  
So deep, I can't sleep  
  
I can't think  
  
I just think about the things that you do  
  
I'm too lost in you"  
  
Tara caught Willow before her body went limp, gathering her exhausted body towards her with deft speed and agility, holding her close. She had been sitting alone in her dorm when it had hit her. Normally she was able to endure Willow's attacks at a safe distance resisting the urge to run to her, but she knew this one was different. Tearing out of her room, she ran towards Buffy's at breakneck speed, barging through the door without any explanation, upstairs just in time. And here she was now, one more with her lover, but not in the circumstances she would have preferred. She needed to help guide Willow through this before they could work on any kind of future.  
  
Even in sleep Willow fought - the demons with her mind and body. Occasionally struggling against Tara's light restraint but not really causing any damage to herself or others around her. She had never seen Willow like this before. Sure, she had heard of Willow's pogress from her outtings with Dawn but she had never seen it with her own two eyes and what she saw worried her. She was weak, pale and so unlike the Willow she once knew and loved. Magic had really taken its toll on this once strong redhead. But she needed this woman, more than she needed to eat, breathe or sleep and she was going to help her, even if it killed her.  
  
The minutes merged into hours and before Tara knew it morning had begun to break over the horizon, casting thin rays of light over the troubled lovers. Willow's struggling had ceased hours ago and she lay content in the blonde's arms, her face calm and peaceful; so unlike the events of last night - but how long would it last? Confusion suddenly hit Tara - could she stay like this, until Willow came to again? She didn't want to give Willow false hope that everything was once like they were becasue she was here but she needed to let Willow know that she was here for her - that she wasn't alone in this. She didn't want to leave this serenity but they needed to work through alot of tihngs before she allowed herself to safely fall back into old ways. Shifting upwards towards the foot of the bed Willow's grip tightened around her waist  
  
"Tara?" - a question? a plea? Almost like a prayer from a Fallen Angel. In the calmest voice she could muster, one that would not give away her feelings she replied; "I'm here"  
  
"Stay with me?" Willow pleaded once more "Please just hold me?" the voice was scarsely above a whisper but Tara heard it loud and clear as the words spoken echoed round her head. Could she do this? Could she stay neutral? She lay back in the bed and pulled Willow close, she could not deny her this, no matter how much her own feelings conflicted.  
  
Tara jerked awake. How long had it been? Then everything that had happened before and earlier hit her again and she turned towards the redhead who still was sleeping, still oblivious to the dilema in the person next to her. How long could she remain this close to Willow and not give in to the urge to kiss her, to touch her, this woman who she loved more than life itself.  
  
The sun sohne brightly through the window and outside the noise of industry and civilisation, a world away from the now calm of these four walls in which the two had spent so many nights of love filled passion. Again question, always questions, ran through Tara's brain; why had the Scoobies not come to help Willow? Had they totally given up on the person who had done so much to help them in the past? They too had made many mistakes and errors in their lives and been forgiven, was Willow so far removed from them? Where were they now?  
  
Suddenly Tara was aware of eyes burning into her from below - she looked down and emerald eyes looked back up - weary, sullen eyes that showed so much and said so little but were like panes of glass, see-through but fragile. "Tara?" - the plea once more.  
  
"Yes my love?" the answer, the endearment passed through her lips as naturally as breathing but she mentally cursed herself.  
  
"Thank you for coming" a croaked voice, so unused to talking these days "I knew you would" Willow coughed, and then trying to get her breath again continued "The - the magic, its so powerful, its still inside, calling, waiting for the time I give in so it can take over. I'm trying so hard Tara - I really am. But I can't do this alone, I-"  
  
She was cut off but a kiss on the forehead and the words; "Shhh, I'm here now, no-one will harm you, I will see to that. Willow smiled, a weak smile that was accompinied by the words "I love you Tara" - almost mumbled.  
  
"I love you too Will. I never stopped. I needed to leave for so many reasons. My reasons are my own but you needed to make the first move. I couldn't do that for you. You needed to show that you valued what we had and were willing to start again. But I will do anything in my power to help you now - I will stay for now but..." Tara paused, not wanting to continue but she knew she had to "... I can't prmoise we'll be together at the end of it. We can't go back to the way we were, we need to talk, work at it, I need time, we need time Willow..."  
  
Saying nothing Willow nodded, trying to take in what Tara had just said. Tears fell slowly down Willow's face, she was expecting it, she had even in some respects braced herself mentally for it, but it couldn't still the blow of Tara's words. Words that cut deep to her very core. But laced within them were promises for the future, maybe they could still work it out, only time would tell. They had a long way to go before everything would be okay again but at least they had taken the first steps towards salvation. 


	4. chapter 4

Title: All That I've Ever Known  
  
Rating: Pg-13 for now  
  
Feedback: hell yes! Either on the kitten or to laura_isaac@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to Joss, I just play with them for a bit.  
  
Distribution: Anyone who wants it but let me know so my ego can be massaged!  
  
Spoilers: S6 but not so much ep specific.  
  
Summary: A letter from Willow - but will it help bring our girls back together?  
  
Dedication: To Alice, you are my life - love always  
  
"Shhhh my love" Tara whispered, trying to soothe Willow. Another attack. But this, like the other before, was different - driven by something other than the black magic which was deep within the red-head. Tara felt this and it was starting to unnerve her - as if each time Willow had an attack it was pushing her closer to the edge - into a void in which she might not come back alive. Willow was starting to struggle more - the tension all around electric. Something was about to happen but Tara was not as yet sure what. Her desire to protect Willow though was heightening with each passing minute. Tara had awaken hours ago but had gotten no proper rest, she was constantly aware of every single move her lover made, even in sleep.  
  
Suddenly pain shot through Tara's nose and she felt the blood run down, letting out a strangled cry, she shook her head trying to clear it - the pain quickly starting to cloud her senses. Deep within the confusion however fear was starting to raise its ugly head, the room temperature had dropped by several degrees and blue electricity crackled in the air. Her attention drawn over to the corner Tara waited with baited breath as she tried to anticipate what was coming. It was taking nearly every ounce of strength in Tara's shock confused brain to keep Willow focused, awake. Afraid of what would happen if Willow became unconscious Tara whispered to her lover, trying to keep her at least interested in what she was saying, giving her something to cling onto "Stay with me sweetie..." she growled "I'm here, stay with me..."  
  
The presence in the corner seemed amused by what it saw, although it had not yet made itself known the darkness around it was strong, Tara could almost taste it. Spurred on by this, the desire she felt to protect her lover and the adrenaline brought on by the shot to her nose Tara shouted at the unseen force, the venom and menace so unlike the usually quiet woman, clear in her voice; "Be gone from this place, you are not welcome here!"  
  
Laughter filled the air, filled with self-humor and sarcasm; as if it could hardly believe what it was hearing. "You think you stand a chance" - a question? a statement? The disembodied voice continued, undaunted, unthreatened; "She is mine, she is the one. You will not win this witch. This is meant to be. She WILL be mine!"  
  
Suddenly an ice blue ray shot through the darkened room, aimed perfectly at the woman in her arms. Quick as a flash, Tara used all the remaining strength in her body to push Willow slightly allowing her own body to take the full force of the foreign object. Tara crumpled beneath it, letting out a small moan as she slipped from consciousness.  
  
Willow fought that which held her - that which pinned her down. Harder than she had ever felt before. Her senses were deliciously clouded - her whole body aching for release - she needed it so bad but she would not give in to it. She could not give into it. Under a deep sea she was drowning - slowly running out of oxygen - she needed to reach the surface. To break it long enough so that she might take in some life once more. Upward she swam, determination etched onto her features, she would reach the top!  
  
Willow opened her eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness that overwhelmed her - her head was clear. For the first time in weeks - had it all been a dream? Sickness clawed at her stomach as the realization hit her - Tara. Reaching over for the light switch she flicked it on slowly. Looking downward she looked at her lover and the sickness that had threatened came. Tara - her nose bloody, bloody ran in little rivers down the side of her forehead, tainting her normally beautiful and delicate features, her eyes turning an ugly shade of purple. The floodgates opened, tears spilling down her face. What had she done? To the only person who still trusted her? Who loved her? Guilt and shame rolled over her body in waves. "Tara?" Willow whispered "I'm sorry..." Slowly she bent down to kiss Tara's head and check her vital signs, fear and self-loathing welling up inside the red heads body. 


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, Okay, I know, I'm a VERY bad kitten **slaps hand** - I've had a lot of stuff to sort out recently and have just not had the motivation to continue writing this. BUT as a thank you to all who've read this here's a little something to keep you all interested until I get my motivation back! Kinda a half - chapter if you will Enjoy guys!  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
Disclaimers as always.  
  
To my love, you are my life ....  
  
It had been 24 hours and still no sign that she could hear what her love was slowly but methodically whispering into her ear - pleas of forgivness, guilt and promises of love and devotion. Silent pleas also sent to all those that would listen to bring her back. Throughout all this Tara had been the constant that had stopped Willow from falling - and if she lost her grip would she ever be able to climb up once more? It didn't bare thinking about and such thoughts were quickly banished from the red - heads mind - they were ging to get through this - Tara was going to get through this.  
  
"I didn't mean it to go so far" Willow whispered into the cold, unfeeling darkness of the room "She doesn't deserve this... I don't deserve her!" She bent down, closer to Tara's ear - who still lay there; still, lifeless, cold. But her heart; steady and calm as always bore false witness. "But I need you Tara" she began "Goddess I need you. You are my sun, my moon, my stars, my sky. You are the centre of my universe - you are my universe - you are my reason for being Tara and I love you more than the waking world. Just please..." she choked on the last words, her emotions running rivers down her cheeks; "come back to me"  
  
The room was quiet once more, save only for the blips of the hospital machines which seemed to lull everyone around them into a false sense of security - an unspoken promise that everything will be okay if they just waited - so that's Willow was doing - waiting, and praying. Willow wasn't sure how they had gotten here, just snatched bits and pieces of Buffy kicking the door down and Xander driving them and her beloved to this place that they all know all too well - probably TOO well for people of their age. Time had passed in a daze for Willow and this was pretty much how she found herself now - scared, unable to do anything but wait. The cravings which had seemed to have been quelled for the past few nights now seemed to be back a vengence. She could feel it inside - clawing, burning threatening to ignite her soul and consume her fully.  
  
Her thoughts turned briefly to her friends outside - she could feel their pain, confusion, and uncertainty and felt even more helpless - she had gotten them into this and was now falling further and further away from ways of getting them out.  
  
"Why did you ever put up with me?" she shouted to no one in particular "Why do you still put up with me after everything I've put you through? I can't even put up with myself!" Willow's hand smashed down onto a nearby dresser, causing little shocks of pain to dance deliciously up and down her arm "How did I fall so far? Who's going to be my grip? Please, stop me from falling any deeper - I don't know how much more I can allow you guys to take before you all leave me and I am alone - maybe it would be better that way..."  
  
The beginnings of an attack stirred within Willow, its dark tendrils snaking out to claim hold of a willing subject. Through gritted teeth Willow spat menacingly; "I will not give into this, I have my purpose and her name is Tara MaClay! I am meant to be with this woman and I WILL NOT screw this up again!" a growl formed in the back of her throat "I may not be worthy of her, but I can change and I have to start with this!" Curling into a tight ball in the corner of the room Willow fought a silent battle between her soul, mind and magic that was threatening to claim everything she had and everything was.  
  
Meanwhile the person in the bed began to stir slightly, a small moan escaping her cracked and swollen lips... 


End file.
